Peace in the Midst of Pain

Peace in the Midst of Pain

For many years I have read articles, blogs, and books about the phenomenon of people suffering from terrible pain who were able to separate from their pain and find inner peace despite their afflictions.  I read of meditation, and even tried it.  Sadly, my ADD mind never seemed to cooperate.  Typically, this is how it would go: "I am still.  I am peaceful.  My pain is here but I am at peace.  I am, oh man I HAVE to remember to make that dentist appointment for the kids.  Oh!  And, I have GOT to remember to pay that parking ticket.  Why can I never get anything done?!  Oh no! My breathing!  Okay, start over.  Deep breath in, and out.  Damn, how did I miss that gigantic cobweb over there?  I wonder how long THAT has been there? Okay, seriously?  This is not working.  I feel more stressed than before and I have things to do! " 

In 2005, a friend of mine died of cancer.  I've lost a few really special loved ones to cancer now and each time it has been, well, awful.  Cindy, in particular, taught me a lot about being sick.  I watched her and she was real.  She cried, she motored through, she lived, she got angry, she continued trying.  In the midst of it all, her faith got stronger.  Cindy was the first person who taught me how suffering can be a gift.

I knew her cancer was spreading and when she first spoke of how suffering could be a gift, my assumption was that the disease was affecting her mental capacity.  I listened to her, nonetheless, and over time found myself drawn to her words.  In suffering and pain, she would say, we can find an inner peace and calm that is unavailable to us when we are well.  We also have more time to think of others.  We can pray more, and give more of our time to others.  True, we may not be able to cook, clean; shop but we can give the gift of time. 

How often do we Fibro Warriors get our self worth entangled in what we do for a career, how much we have "done" around the house, how organized our kids' rooms are, how many home cooked meals we have prepared each week, and how we should look? 

What happens when we fatigued, pain filled and teary eyed women, instead, stop for a few moments and look inside ourselves and listen to what is going on in there?  It is hard to do. I know!   We are living in a modern society that is not very encouraging of women to slow down.  Just Be.  We are the multi-taskers, the super moms, the "pretend it is all great with a smile on our faces and collapse behind closed doors sobbing women". We are supposed to be the independent women who say, "Oh, no. I'm fine. I've got this".  But, really, do we?   Of course not!  Certainly not every day.   Even women who do not have chronic illness and pain, need support and help. 

So, when we sit down and put our feet up or are lying on the couch or in bed, we have a choice.  We can take a few minutes to turn off the TV, unplug, and just breathe and close our eyes and listen.  If you are like me, you will have a bunch of random thoughts fly through your head similar to the ones from the earlier paragraph.  Smile and notice those thoughts and instead of criticizing yourself, you can smile at that part of you but continue to breathe.  Imagine what your insides look like or what texture they feel like.  Are they rough and red?  Angry?  Empty?  Do you feel knotted up in your stomach?  Do you feel just nothing? 

There is no right or wrong answer.  Just take the time to be aware of them.  Then notice your pain.  Where is it?  Sometimes when I do this, it is easier to find where my pain is not.  Well, let's see....my ear lobes don't hurt.  My pinky toe is feeling just ducky today.  Keep taking deep breaths.  This is not magic or rocket science.  This is not a cure or a way to make pain disappear. 

I am going to take a quick break here to say that in the past, these kinds of articles annoyed me.  Actually, that is an understatement.  They made me very angry.  When someone would suggest an exercise such as the one I am suggesting above, it felt condescending and seemed to diminish the pain and fatigue I experience daily.  I would equate it to someone telling me that the pain of childbirth is not really pain but a beautiful "sensation".  Um, yeah.  So, please stay with me.  I am on your side. 

However, I have had a recent breakthrough in therapy and I am learning how to separate my physical pain from my emotional being.  For example, I can be in a high amount of pain.  I close my eyes and I can feel my pain throbbing in my shoulders, neck, hips, knees, elbows, you name it. 

While I am still, I swear I can feel the vibrations of the pain ripple through my body.  It feels swollen, red and angry.  I am very aware of the pain.  I then look inwards and see what I see and feel there.  Where in the past I have had a constant large knotted ball in my stomach, I instead feel space.  I see light and openness.  I feel peace and calm.  For the first time, in probably the 17 years since my diagnosis, I feel no anxiety or depression.  What????  How is this possible?  How can I be in terrible pain but at the same time feel peaceful and calm?

My therapist specializes in working with people with chronic pain which is why I sought him out.  He has been trained in Somatic Experiencing & Somatic Psychology which is pretty fascinating stuff.  Not that I cared a speck about it when I first went to him.  I was in a depression so deep, I couldn't read a short fiction book for fun, never mind read about Somatic Experiencing and understand what I was reading.

In any case, after all of these years of reading about people with chronic pain, watching my friend cope with the pain of cancer, and not being able to wrap my head around how one can be in agony and still find inner peace, I think I am beginning to get it.

It is possible.  Just knowing we have another option as chronic pain sufferers is freeing!  So often we feel trapped, stuck in a corner, misunderstood. 

I am not saying this is THE answer to all of our issues.  However, it may very well be a valuable piece to the intricate enigma that accompanies our daily lives.  Obviously, we need to continue to trudge on as advocates for ourselves with the medical world, and strive for optimum self care.  Clearly, neither of these ideas is new to any of us.

The next time your body is screaming in agony and you feel like you are drowning in a sea of fatigue, just as you feel yourself falling prey to the shadows of anxiety or depression remember this.  Even if it is for a short period of time, you are worthy of happiness and a break from the darkness. 

Then maybe, just maybe, you can take ten minutes to sit and close your eyes and listen to what is going on in your body.  No judgments.  Just listen.  Observe and acknowledge it.  Look for any open space inside.  Envision light anywhere in your body, even if it is in the tiniest area. Imagine yourself at a time in your life when you felt giddy or in a place that made you feel safe and focus on that memory.  With a little bit of time, that miniscule area of light in your body will expand.  Keep a journal, if writing helps you.  Watch how your body stays the same and how it changes.  Most of all, remember; everyone deserves joy and peace.   They are attainable even in the midst of pain.

You may surprise yourself.  After all, you have made it this far.  You clearly are a warrior.