Remember that song? Why is it that with a house full of people, I feel so alone? Oh, I know. I have a flare up. Today when I walked through the living room I actually saw red when I witnessed a family riding by on bikes. The rage in me was palpable. Yes, people I am livid that there was a nice family riding by my house on bicycles. I'm that maniacal. Listen, I'm not an angry kind of girl. I let people go in front of me in traffic, I stop at all crosswalks and wave to people with a smile. I can honestly say that for the most part, I treat others the way I want to be treated. So, why the sudden urge to scream out my window at those innocent passersby today? I'm furious. I'm hurting physically, yes. But, I am even lonelier and more sad than I have felt in a while. I want to be apple picking today. I want to rake leaves. I want extra hugs and a picture drawn for me by my four year old. How does one ask for what she needs when her needs are always so great? It's like asking the person who stopped on the highway to help you change your tire and let you use their cell phone to give you five hundred bucks, too. Okay, not the best analogy. I'm trying here. It's hard to write about this stuff. I hate feeling needy and dependent. There is no way in hell I am asking my husband to help me take a shower, for example. I need one and want one but I will wait, thank you very much, until I can do it myself. I am not 98 years old. He did not sign up for that and frankly, neither did I. I have been told that in order for feelings to not get "stuck" inside of me, that I need to move and walk or dance or whatever I can do to keep my body moving. What do I do when typing, reading and walking to the bathroom zap every ounce of what little energy I have left?
What's a girl to do? Well, she feels her feelings. She writes. She gets through the day. Every stinking minute of it.
She closes the pages to this rotten day and says good bye and good riddance.
Then waits for the sunrise of a new day.
I once helped my friend in the hospital go to the bathroom. I did it with my eyes closed (it's one of my many talents)! I can help you take your shower.
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