Enough really is Enough

Well, here I am on a beautiful, sunny summer day inside on my computer.  I am feeling mixed about this.  I would rather be outside sitting (okay, I admit it.........lying) on a chair but I feel compelled to write.  And when I feel that way I can only put if off for so long.  My last entry was all about coming off some medications.  I am happy to say that I am still here and did not fall off the planet as I felt I might.  I was successful in coming off one medication.  With the help of my naturopath, detox tea, gallons (I kid you not) of lemon water and literally and figuratively "sweating it out", I made it.  Shockingly, I was determined to wean off not just one medication but two medications simultaneously.  Yes, I like to have very high expectations of myself so that if (more likely when) I am unable to reach those often unattainable goals, I can slap myself around a bit.  It's such fun.  Lest I stay stuck in the past, I must say that I am learning!  It is not too late to re-program our brains, people!  Okay, so it's taken me almost 20 years to begin to actually do this, but hey I am trying!  Coming off medications can turn a fairly stable girl into a cross between Freddy Krueger and Regan McNeil (a.k.a. Linda Blair in the Exorcist).  Truly, I could hardly recognize myself, I was such a mess.  Not only did I feel physically sick, I was also on the most elaborate emotional roller coaster ever to be experienced. I wasn't able to sleep either, which was such a nice addition to all the excitement!  Take pregnancy, puberty, pms, menopause and times them all by 100.  That is a pretty accurate description of how I was feeling.  If you did not have the pleasure of being around me during this time, I'm really sorry you missed it.  I was a blast.   So, in the midst of trying to do something positive for my body, my body was also in complete upheaval and turmoil.  "How can this even be worth it?", I would cry to my husband.  I believe he was thinking the same thing, although I doubt it was about my medication!  On the sixth day of not sleeping, I finally realized that, strangely, I am not Superwoman.  This is always such a shock to me every time I come to this conclusion!!!  Enough was Enough!!!!! So, I sucked it up and went back on a small dose of my Klonopin so I could get some desperately needed sleep.  That first night of sleep was as good as eating the most decadent chocolate dessert.  I cannot even tell you how amazing I felt after a few more nights of blissful sleep.   So, as if I needed any added proof, I knew I had made the right decision.  However, the Wellbutrin is gone.  So are the little electric shocks that made me feel like I was going to tear my hair out.  Phew.  I made it.  Okay, so, I'm still on some Klonopin. However, I am down by one full dose.  And you know what?  That's okay.  I am okay (I may be channeling a little Stuart Smalley here).  I'm doing exactly what I would tell my best friend to do.  I'm taking care of me.  So, maybe I really want to get off the Klonopin forever.  I will.  When I'm ready.  Right now, I am enough.  And isn't that what we all need and want to feel in the long run?  Ahhh.  Maybe I do have some super powers after all.  I'm Super Me.  And that is good enough.