Yesterday was Holy Thursday, the night we remember the Last Supper when, among other things, Jesus had to say goodbye to his best friends, knowing his fate. He knew the path God had chosen for him. He also knew that two of his disciples would betray him. Think about it. Imagine two of your closest friends turning their backs on you during a frightening, emotional and painful time. Even when Jesus begged his friends to stay awake with him in the garden to pray, after saying they would never abandon him, they did. They were human. They fell asleep.
As a Catholic, this week my mind is very much on Jesus' suffering. He did not run away from it. I think I might have tried. I don't know. When pain or fear comes our way, isn't it instinctual to turn away from it? Or would I have the courage to stay and deal with it head on? I'd like to think that I would never have been the friend who would betray Him. But, would I? Those were scary times and under the pressure of it all......... I just don't know. When Jesus was condemned to death by crucifixion, He accepted it. The ultimate betrayal but He did not fight it. Courageously (on what we now call Good Friday), He carried that awful, heavy cross on a horrendous journey to Calvary, all the while being harassed and jeered at. He was nailed to the cross and ultimately died on that cross for everyone, even those who betrayed, hated and abandoned Him.
I've been thinking about how He walked through all that pain, emotional and physical. Under the weight of His cross, He fell down a few times. Yet, He did not stay down. Instead, He found the strength to get up again and continue on carrying that horrible cross. He said to God, His Father, "Thy will be done. Not mine." Jesus was scared but He knew this was the journey God had wanted for Him.
I have been unable to blog for the past several days due to very high pain levels. I have missed it! Blogging is so cathartic and, for me, an excellent way to uncover emotions that I have been holding deep inside of me. That, and I am remembering how much I love to write.
However, with Fibro and Chronic Fatigue, my body often betrays me, many times without warning. One day I can get out of bed and the next, I am barely able to move. Despite the fact that I have lived with this body betrayal for many years, I still have a hard time letting it just roll off my back. Often I am angry and many times I feel sad and grief stricken. To be honest, these feelings actually annoy me. I know this is going to happen at some point, so why do I feel so upset when it does? I am learning to try to stay in the moment and live in the pain and fatigue until I am able to pull myself up by the bootstraps (okay, pull myself up with my cane. It's a very attractive sight) and try to live some semblance of a life.
So many thoughts flood my mind right now. How do I handle betrayal? Am I able to find it in my heart to humble myself and forgive or do I hold a grudge and let it fester inside of me. When I "fall down" with illness, how often do I get back up and keep walking through the pain with unflappable faith? Or do I try to escape my pain and fall into depression? All good questions. Do I have the answers to all of them? Not really. I know that I try to live in the moment and lean on my faith to help me. I know this illness has taught me a lot about patience, acceptance, empathy and never giving up. Some days I am stronger than others. Some days I wake up knowing I am on the path I was meant to be on. Many days I have endless hope. I certainly keep trying new ways of relieving the pain and fatigue. Some days are just plain, old rotten.
I've lost friends throughout my journey with illness. I've been called a hypochondriac, told that if I exercised more I wouldn't be so sick, and been told to quit whining and get over it.
Not being heard hurts. Losing friends hurts. Betrayal hurts. Even if I suspect it is going to happen, it doesn't make the pain lessen. However, I can choose to keep on with my life. I can set boundaries to take care of myself and I can also forgive. I'm capable. It is far from easy. But, it can be done.
In my small corner of the world, I can pick up my own cross and continue on. I have people who believe in me, support me and love me. I am not going to die from this. I can choose to keep walking through the pain, continue to grow and keep hope in my heart.
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