Sunny Days and Sundays Always Get Me Down

I missed church today.  Again.  It's not that I feel guilty.  In fact, I do not.  I feel sad.  I miss being in church and being in that community.  Today is Palm Sunday which I really did not want to miss.  Last night I was supposed to go to see a show with a friend and had to cancel last minute.  My neck was in a painful spasm and my head was pounding.  I felt very fatigued.  So, once again, I cancelled.  I half jokingly called after my friend as she was leaving, "don't give up on me!!".  Fortunately, I know she won't.  She's not that kind of friend.  So, I figure I'm sad to miss going out and seeing a funny show.  Okay, let me be honest.  I was excited to take a shower and wear make up!   That right there, is an exhausting but exciting feat!  I consoled myself last night by telling myself I did the right thing.  I can't push myself.  As I lay in bed with heat on my back and neck trying to go to sleep, I felt sure I'd be able to go to mass today.  Even if that was the one and only thing I did today, I could do it.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  I woke with a horrible headache and my body felt like an 18 wheeler hit it.  I was actually kind of angry.  I'm thinking, "hey, you......yeah you, body.  I'm talkin' to you!  What is your deal?  I give and give and what do you give in return?!  Yeah, I'm not too fond of you, either".   I made a concerted effort to come downstairs, especially since my little smiley faced son kept peeking into our bedroom and asking me to come downstairs.   I drank large amounts of water and also my usual 2 cups of coffee.  That along with a migraine med seemed to do the trick.  My husband and I actually got to sit at the table and talk.  We caught up on all kinds of things and that was nice.  Like most busy families, we don't have a lot of time for conversation, so it felt good to both of us.  However, soon it was apparant that I could no longer stay up.  My whole body ached like, well like it usually does, as though I had the flu.  My husband came up later to see if I needed anything and I just broke into tears saying, "I'm so sad.  I'm just so sad".  What can I do, he wanted to know.  Can you just hold me, gently, please?  He did.  He then suggested that since it had turned out to be such a beautiful sunny day, that we could go on a family walk.  Though that would be a dream to me, the thought made me feel more empty.  I reminded him that I am working on being able to walk around the block.  To which he responded that we could all walk a bit around the block, go for a drive or out for supper.  I smiled weakly.  I love the sunshine and since Spring has hit us, I have been on my steps in the morning drinking up the rays of the sun as I enjoy my coffee.  However, today the sun seemed to be taunting me.  It seemed cruel.  I felt like I was being teased.  Then I started to feel more sad.  The boys went to the park with their dad and I made a decision.  I need to cheer up.  What can cheer me up?  A large amount of chocolate would be lovely, thank you.  Sadly, because I think of this as a comfort so much, we do not have chocolate in the house.  Okay, what else?  Dance.  As a trained dancer it is very hard to live without that in my life right now.  Right then.  Not today.  Pray.  But, that means I have to pray and THEN cheer myself up.  I don't want to pray.  I'm not in the mood.  Well, guess what?  I realized that if I chose to pray I could stay in bed!  So, I just did my usual conversational prayer, nothing fancy and then just lay upon my bed.  I felt the urge to do some very deep breathing  and followed suit.  Then I decided to say my rosary.  I didn't really have my whole heart in it, so I figured it wouldn't work but I gave it a shot.  A bit later, I felt like I needed to get up.  I went downstairs and did some gentle yoga poses that felt really good.  My neck was still killing and my body ached.  But, my heart felt better.  I was aware of the sadness that missing church and going outside with my family brings to me, but it did not own me.  I suddenly realized that, although I love my community at church, I don't need to be at church to find some serenity.  My ADD personality fights it, but I can quiet myself right here in my own home. After yoga, I listened to some of my favorite songs and sang along as loud as can be.  Yup, my windows were open.  Yeah, I'm sure people heard me.  But, you know what?  I didn't care.  I sang and sang my heart out.  I can do a mean rendition of  Gooch's song from Mame.  Yeah, baby.  That's how I roll.  Now, the sun is setting and I'm much more at peace with it.  Looking back on today, can you imagine if it snowed?  Now, that would need some serious chocolate.