Hey, Fibro- you can't take THAT from me!

Outside it is looking very gray and feels really chilly.  I knew it was raw out before I even got out of bed.  Yes!  I am that old lady who says, "must be a storm movin' in.  I can just feel it".  Seriously, I can.  Tut, tut, feels like rain. 

Suffice to say that my pain level today is high.  Aside from the obvious physical pain, I think the most painful part of having chronic illness is the loss of self.  When you have chronic pain, your life changes drastically.  Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome have taken so much away from me.  These illnesses have invaded my life and stolen who I was and replaced her with a sick body.  Yet, it didn't stop there.  These illnesses destroyed my definition of myself, changed my relationships with people, forbade me from doing the things I loved and turned me into someone, who to this day, I often do not recognize. 

Having said that, today I have been blessed with good spirits. The day did not start out this way, though. As I sat on the floor playing with my four year old, I couldn't help but think of all that I could not do with him.  It would have been a great day to go to the library, for example.  From there, my mind spun into thinking of all the things I can no longer do and how much I miss doing them.  Suddenly, in the middle of music play with my little one, I was hit with the thought of all the great things I CAN do.  I decided to make a list of what I cannot do and what I can do.  Here they are:

THINGS I CANNOT DO AT THIS TIME

I cannot run, or even walk much. 

I cannot take any dance classes

I cannot be in any shows

I cannot make plans with anyone for anything and know that I will be able to follow through

I cannot vacuum

I cannot dust (wait, do I really care about this one?)

I no longer have the freedom to wake up, take a shower and get dressed without a thought of pain

I cannot work

I cannot drive a car for more than 20 minutes or so on my good days

I cannot run around with my kids at the park or take them anywhere that would mean standing for more than 10 minutes

I cannot go anywhere that has potential illness.  Despite good hand washing, eating well and sleeping, I get everything and anything that is going around.  "Just a cold" for me is an automatic 10-14 days of hardly being able to get out of bed.

THINGS I CAN DO AT THIS TIME

I can read to my boys

I can sit on the floor (with support) and be the silly voices of my little one's toys

I can shower on my own

I can help my older son study for a test

I can encourage my husband about his work, both at home and at his job

I can be a good listener to my children, husband, friends and family

I can laugh out loud

I can pray

I can do some gentle yoga

I can do my best to eat nutritious foods and drink lots of water

I can pull up a chair and watch my son's latest creation on Zoo Tycoon

I can smile

I can give my love to my friends and family

I can be kind to others, even if it is only over the phone

I can accept help from family members who will take care of my boys so I can rest

I can read most days

I can feel pain, both physical and emotional, and choose to be in it and not try to run away from it or numb it

Hey now, that is a lot of "I cans"!!!!    Okay, now before you roll your eyes and think "this girl is such an annoying Pollyanna", please remember that this is conscious work.  This kind of thinking does not come easily for me.  Believe me, I've been sick and tired for over 16 years and the last 4 years have been the worst.  But, you know what?  Today, right now, I am okay.  Today the glass is half full. And, really, isn't today all that counts? 

I'm learning to just "be" and realize that that is enough.  I am enough.  Tomorrow will come with its own set of challenges.  But, for now I am feeling blessed.  No illness can take that away from me.